burnt out?

I’m burnt out. I know that, but I don’t fully want to accept that.

Education is an ever changing profession, sometimes for the good, sometimes for the bad. I like to think I’ve been pretty flexible so far in my education career.

I spent my student teaching helping my cooperating teacher navigate a never before seen worldwide shutdown.

I spent my first year teaching in a classroom, as well as online. I piloted ways to teach live from home while my students were in the building. I won the award for most quarantines.

I spent my second year of teaching transitioning to a brand new building, helping to create the climate, culture, and functionality of a new school. I had to learn how another teacher functioned in order to come together and make a cohesive house for our students.

I spent my third year of teaching growing, tweaking, and changing schedules, tasks, and procedures in our new building and with my partner teacher.

I have so far spent my fourth year of teaching switching mindsets and gears towards the littles. Learning how to effectively teach 1st graders instead of my well known fifth graders.

I’d like to think I’ve been flexible in my career so far.

Covid greatly impacted the beginning of my career in a way I could have never predicted. However, I don’t want to blame Covid, because I don’t think that’s what has caused this burnout. Has it contributed? I’m sure. It was a stressful time for veteran teachers, let alone the teachers who were fresh out the gate. I don’t think I can pinpoint one exact thing to express or give reason to my burnout. There’s a lot of factors. My old partner teacher states her burnout as, “I’m tired of fighting the good fight.”

I think that’s the best way to put it. The way to encompass all that has contributed. Are there things in my district I find frustrating? Of course. Were there different things I found frustrating in my last district? Of course. That’s the nature of employment, there will always be something frustrating at your work. However, my work is dictated not just by my principal, my superintendent, or my school board, but by my government.

There are so many things that are out of my control and when you’re fighting for what’s best for your students day in and day out and still don’t feel as if you have any control, it’s exhausting.

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Here’s the hardest part, I want so badly to not be burnt out. I want to keep fighting the “good fight,” but at what point do I draw the line?

I know I’m a good teacher.

I know I have passion for it.

I know how rewarding it is.

I know that some days are going to be tough with kids.

I know that some days can bring you an unmatched joy.

I know that I love it.

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I also know that I’m exhausted.

I also know that I’m struggling to find the energy to do the things I love in my free time.

I also know I’m not the best version of myself these days. Which isn’t fair to my fiancé, my friends, my family, even my students.

It’s this never ending battle in my brain.

I feel weak for even thinking of calling it quits. Even weaker yet if I do call it quits. Like I didn’t have enough fight in me. Like I let education win.

How can something I love also be the same thing that’s making me feel like a shell of a person?

I have a day where I know I will stay in education.

Then I have a day where I know I absolutely cannot stay.

I’m not sure which to listen to.

I’m not sure which is the right choice.

So for now . . .

I sit.

I sit in this feeling.

I sit with the roller coaster of emotions.

I sit with the goods and the bads.

I simply sit.

To process.

To reflect.

To feel.

My hope is that maybe just sitting will lead me to the right choice.

Trust Yourself