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big feelings

Do you ever feel like you FINALLY got to where you were meant to be, only for life to throw you a curveball that alters your path?

That’s how I feel right now.

I already had this incredible passion.


But when I began coaching that passion quickly turned into a calling.

My coaching journey began and accelerated quickly.

  • 2020-21 Club Season – I took on my first volleyball coaching job, a 15 Regional Team
  • 2020-21 Club Season – I stepped in and took over a 17 Club Team with my older sister (a veteran coach)
  • 2021 Fall High School Season – I stepped in as a D1 Varsity Volleyball Assistant
  • 2021-2022 Club Season – I coached a 14 Club Team and Co-Coached an 18 National Team
  • 2022 Fall High School Season – I took over a D1 Varsity Volleyball Program, I became the head coach that ran the show
  • 2022-2023 Club Season – I am coaching an 18 National Team

Within the span of 3 years I’ve coached 7 teams. The schedules have been insane, maybe even a bit much at times, but I don’t regret it one bit. It feels like I’ve found this pocket of life that I love and am good at. A calling.

Teaching, on the other hand, has always felt like a calling to me. It’s always been something I knew I wanted to do. However, I’m finding I’m losing my passion. I often wonder if I’m losing that passion because I’ve found a new passion.

Am I struggling to love my job because I love coaching so much more?

Does coaching involve so many aspects of teaching that simply coaching alone can fulfill that passion too?

Did I always have that passion for coaching and it just manifested in a passion for teaching because that is a more “traditional” job?

I’m not sure I have the answers to any of these questions. But when I find myself struggling with teaching, I get to school, throw on a smile, try give my all to my kids, and survive the day. When I struggle with coaching, I show up to the gym and seeing my kids in action sparks me back to life.

I still get pregame jitters.

I don’t eat big meals before matches.

I get nervous at match point.

When I’m tossing warmup balls, standing on the sideline, or speaking in a huddle, nothing else matters. Nothing else exists. My brain is in volleyball mode and I’m present.

So this brings me back to my starting question: “Do you ever feel like you FINALLY got to where you were meant to be, only for life to throw you a curveball that alters your path?”

Because right now, that’s how I feel.

I was given a D1 Volleyball Program. To run. To lead. To teach. To grow. And now I’m saying goodbye. I’m stepping away. I finally got to where I felt like I was meant to be and I’m leaving it behind.

The first thing people like to say to me is “you don’t have to leave” or “you’re choosing to leave.” They don’t mean it in a mean way and they aren’t wrong in saying those statements. But like anything in life, it’s just not that simple.

I finally have someone in my life that I’m ready to build a life with. Someone who wants the same things as me. Someone who I love more than I thought was possible. And the reality is, he’s not movable and I knew that.

I’m giving up a D1 Volleyball Program, but I’m giving it up for much more. For love. For family. For a future. For a new kind of happiness.

It’s the most bittersweet feeling I’ve ever felt. I’m counting down the days to move back home, yet crying as I tell the people I care about I’m leaving. I’m texting the man I love that I can’t wait to be able to eat dinner together every night, while sobbing about leaving my athletes behind.

How can I be so excited and so heartbroken at the same time?

I’m not sure there’s an answer to that question, other than that’s just how I feel and that’s okay.

Trust Yourself


One response to “big feelings”

  1. You will find your true calling look what you have done so far. Sky is the limit for your potential.

    Liked by 1 person

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