a moment for me

a great weekend with a tough ending.

how can i be loving my life, but still fighting back tears every night? how can i be the happiest i’ve ever been, but still feel like i’m drowning?

the answer feels simple. because I’m me.

that feels like a dark sentence, but i think i’ve found the beauty within it.

i am the queen of taking on too much. i’m the definition of a busy body. i place so much value in my accomplishments. i never slow down, it’s always go, go, go.

and i’ve realized, i’ve forgotten how to take a moment for me.

i’ve forgotten what sound the piano keys make.

i’ve forgotten how to get lost in a painting.

i’ve forgotten what it’s like to not be able to put a good book down.

i’ve forgotten what it’s like to sit on my patio as the sun goes down.

i’ve forgotten to live.

as i sat in my brothers apartment this weekend, surrounded by people i love, i felt like i was living again. but slowly the thoughts in the back of my mind crept forward reminding me of all i have to do. my two hour drive home. my grocery-less apartment. my unread student surveys. my barely started homework. and yet again, i found myself forgetting how to live.

i started a new school year. i met fifty fresh new faces. i took over a D1 high school volleyball program just a mere two weeks ago. and now grad school starts? this should be the most exciting time of my life. i love the start of the school year with new kiddos. i’ve dreamt of running my own volleyball program. i’ve never been more interested in a grad school program than this. so why am i struggling?

because it’s too much. because it’s missing all the little things i love.

so for once in my life, i’m taking a moment for me.

one of my favorite things about myself is that i’m an all in person. i love teaching because i love pouring myself into kids to facilitate learning. i love coaching because i love pouring myself into my athletes to make them better athletes and even better people. i love giving my all.

do i have days that i feel like i’ve overpoured and have nothing left for myself? of course.

but i recharge.

i listen to the sound of the piano keys.

i get lost in a painting.

i find myself unable to put down a good book.

i sit on my patio and watch the sun go down.

i live.

for once in my life i’m acknowledging that something has to give. and at this time, that something is grad school.

because i can no longer forget how to live.

trust yourself

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