“everyone knows hot girls have stomach problems”

I go through waves where it feels like I can’t get enough of one particular song. Today as I listened to my current repeat song my favorite line in the song hit me a little harder than normal.

“everyone knows hot girls have stomach problems”

Every time I hear this line I chuckle to myself. It makes me feel “normal” in a way. It boosts my confidence and reminds myself that “yeah, I am hot.” However, today the lyric didn’t resonate with me in that way. Today my eyes filled with water unexpectedly, because today, I didn’t feel hot. Today, I didn’t feel like my stomach problems were funny. Today, I didn’t feel normal. Today, my IBS was in the midst of an intense flare up.

It has been a wild ride to get a handle on my digestive system. Appointment after appointment. Colonoscopes. Ultrasounds. Blood work. Diets. You name it, I’ve tried it. For a stretch of time it felt like I couldn’t do ANYTHING to get my system to calm down. I lost 20 pounds my sophomore year of college because I was afraid to eat because it felt like nothing stayed in me. I’m happy to say though after that longggg process, things finally got better. I was diagnosed with IBS and prescribed a medication for it. I worked with a nutritionist and discovered gluten and dairy were big triggers for me. Thing headed in the right direction.

Then a pandemic hits, I begin my teaching career, and things are STRESSFUL. My anxiety hits an all time high and I feel like every morning I’m fighting tears because I’m terrified my IBS is going to be out of control yet again and that’s not really an option when teaching. I began therapy and ultimately began taking anxiety medication. When the meds eventually built up in my system, I was shocked to realize how much of my life I had stopped living.

I finally felt like I was in a good place. My flare ups have been much less frequent and I’ve began to socialize and do the things I love again. So why all of a sudden, did a song lyric that I found so light and funny, make me cry? When today’s flare up hit, I felt all those old feelings and worries come rushing back. I felt defeated. I felt broken. I felt ugly. I felt weak. This flare up didn’t make sense to me. I haven’t had gluten in foreverrrr, I haven’t been eating like garbage or drinking caffeine like my life depended on it. My anxieties have mellowed, so why is a flare up hitting me? I thought I was past this.

What I’ve realized is this. I’m not “past” this and I never will be. IBS is a disorder and no matter how hard I try to avoid my triggers, I’m going to have flare ups. I’m going to have setbacks. Stress is inevitable. That’s okay. Nobody is normal. I’ve come so far on my journey and I need to remind myself of that.

“everyone knows hot girls have stomach problems”

Trust Yourself

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